If I were President (A Rant)

Let me state right up front that this is not an Obama bashing. I for one, would never write about politics and my views regarding this great nation of ours and its leaders.

Instead, I will take a few minutes out of my hectic schedule of sitting here on a cold and rainy day thinking about things to do, and go off on a rant about three things in my life that totally disgust me. Three little concerns that I have a hard time dealing with mentally and that I have found to irritate me enough that I tend to spew out nastiness to anyone around me when I witness these horrible plagues on our society.

My title - If I were President - I chose because if I did in-fact have the power and or authority to help and correct these three atrocities in life, I surely would.

First, I would enact a federal law that would give everyone the absolute right to use deadly physical force to prevent or terminate left lane drivers. Actually, it wouldn't be a "right". My legislation would "command" the use of force to help and remove these mouth-breathers from the nation's highways. The justification is obvious. If a motor vehicle operator is piloting a motor vehicle on the highway and is constantly being overtaken by vehicles in the right lane while they continually tie up the left lane, they should be taken out of their misery. Left lane disease is fatal anyway and is easily recognized by two other symptoms which include the operator's hands being firmly placed at ten and two on the steering wheel, along with their gaping open mouths and blank stare. This will also aid in population control.

Second, I would form a committee whose primary focus would be to locate a manufacturer that could produce a new type of shopping cart that would deliver around fifty thousand volts directly to the unsuspecting shopper -also probably a mouth breather - who upon unloading their cart, is too lazy to return it to the sidewalk or cart tender.  This earth has no more room for lazy people, than it does for left lane drivers - period. I would totally enjoy sitting in Dunkin Donuts® each morning and watch shoppers dropping like flies in the parking lot as their empty cart rolls into an innocent person's vehicle. Now that I think about it, I get to watch that everyday anyway. Lazy!

Third and thankfully last, I would also enact a law that absolutely prohibits the playing of christmas music in stores months before the event. Now for all of you "I love the holidays" type people, I would simply encourage you to get a life. Christmas no doubt is a fun and festive time of year - but it doesn't happen in October or November! When I walk into a store three weeks before Thanksgiving and have to hear "deck the halls" on the radio...well it just isn't right and besides that, it distracts me from picking out a really nice Valentine's card. Violations for this absurdity would not constitute the death penalty although a stiff fine would be in order along with weekends in the local jail, complete with twangy country music piped in.

Well, I feel much better now. You can surely see that if I were president, the world would be a much nicer place. Please remember to vote and don't forget me in the next election!

~Safe Riding~

- The Chief