I Never Knew

I never knew when I was a child, just how hard it was to raise a family. I took a lot for granted, as children often do.

I never knew, mom, that when you bought me a new pair of sneakers, someone else in the family went without something. This was a common thing in our family because there were eight of us children, and dad --who was self-employed-- was the family's sole means of support.

I never knew that all of those times when you took me shopping, and I was a pain in the ass and cried, making a scene to get that certain toy that I had to have, that I was adding to your stress and gray hair. I didn't need those toys, and I remember that sometimes I didn't even want them.

I never knew as I was growing up and stumbling through my final years of school  --not really having a direction in life-- that you would always want the best for me and never give up on me, although there were times that you surely could have.

I never knew just how proud you were of me, as I became an adult and began my career. As I started my family and my life became more jumbled,  from the daily stresses of life, I chose --selfishly-- to work many hours and pay little attention to you or your needs. I have learned now, to slow down and enjoy life while also embracing those who are closest to me.

I never knew how hard it must have been for you, when dad died just days before your 50th wedding anniversary. The emptiness and feelings of loneliness that you surely harbored for many years thereafter,  I will never know.

I never knew, mom, just how much you suffered in pain as you aged the last few years of your life. You were the strongest person I ever knew. I have no right to complain about minor aches and pains as I often do.

And Mom, I never knew, the last time that I took you to the hospital, that you wouldn't be coming home. You knew it and you told me, but I didn't really listen.  I didn't know just how much you hurt or how sad you were, as that tear ran down your face when you asked me to take you home.

I never knew how painful those last two weeks of your life were. I didn't realize how much suffering and agony you had to endure.

I never knew, mom,  how great the void would be --after you were gone-- not being able to call you or stop in for a visit, just to let you know how the kids were doing or to ask about your day.

I never knew, mom, or totally understood - but now I think I know.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

You were the best mother anyone could have ever wished for.

Sadly missed...